


Seeing through

by Elfarock



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Gen, HP TransFest 2020, Legilimency, MTF Harry Potter, No Romance, Outing, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Harry Potter, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:08:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23252977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfarock/pseuds/Elfarock
Summary: 'Legilimens!'-Breaking into a mind, finding the secret. How do Harry and Snape react to seeing each other's deepest secrets?-MTF HarryNo ship
Relationships: Harry Potter & Severus Snape
Comments: 21
Kudos: 540
Collections: HP TransFest 2020





	Seeing through

**Author's Note:**

> This is an interpretation of the following prompt! I changed the setting a bit for optimum angst 👌 I hope the prompter likes my take on it 😚
> 
> Prompt 192
> 
> Severus Snape is all set to hate James Potter's son from day one. He's less prepared for the guilt that hits him when he stumbles across the child experimenting with beauty charms in an abandoned classroom. With flowing red hair surrounding those green eyes, she looks much more like her mother's daughter than like the spitting image of her father, and Severus has to confront the side of her heritage that he's been trying to repress.

_‘Legilimens!’_

Harry finally managed to push through Snape's Occlumency shields, like a newly found protective reflex. 

Watching James Potter and the rest of the Marauders assaulting a young Snape, Snape's misguided prideful reaction and the consequent falling out with Lily Evans, was world changing. Everyone had described James Potter in a positive light, but seeing this reminded Harry more of a popular Dudley. 

The real surprise was that Snape and Harry's mother had been friends. Though the memory in question was the one of the end of that relationship. Snape had used a slur against Lily, effectively destroying his friendship with her in the span of seconds. 

Harry kind of understood why Snape had reacted that way. Being abused makes you believe you need to be strong and refuse help from anyone, especially from those that are also seen in a negative light. Being humiliated in front of many other students had made Snape overly aware of his misfortune and getting support from a Muggleborn would only make him look even weaker in the eyes of the Slytherin bystanders. Even with that understanding, Harry would never use such a word. As Hermione's reaction to that slur had been a striking memory for Harry, there was never any idea of using similar words, even in the worst possible anger. 

The maelstrom of emotions that arose in response to seeing Snape's memories made Harry's feeble shields crumple to dust. And Snape, enraged as he was that his most hated student had seen such personal events, dove right in. 

Many memories flashed by, like Snape was speeding through them, looking for ways to hurt Harry in return. He paused slightly on memories of the Dursley home, looking but ignoring them. He found gold in the first year memories of the Mirror of Erised. Harry began to thrash as much as possible in the mental hold, desperately trying to make him look elsewhere, but Snape was too strong and too angry to let go. The first memory was benign enough. Harry had seen the long-lost, long-forgotten Potter family. But over the nights visiting the Mirror, the vision had changed, as Harry had learnt more about the Wizarding World and what dreams could become real there. Harry's frenzied push against Snape's mental attack continued to fail. Sensing the distress those memories invoked, Snape knew he was onto something good and he held on. 

The image in the mirror slowly changed in front of Snape's mental vision. Harry was the sole occupant of the reflection. With long red wild hair, the usual green eyes stood out even more. The infamous lightning scar stood out against an unusually uncovered forehead. That and the skirt uniform made Snape pause. An enormous grin was etched on the reflection's face. The girl in the reflection gradually aged, until a woman was standing in front of memory-Harry. She was wearing the uniform of the Holyhead Harpies and holding a racing broom, her hair even wilder, disheveled by the wind. She looked extremely happy. An older couple joined her in her celebration, easily recognizable as Lily and James Potter. They looked supremely proud of their daughter.

Harry had given up fighting, locked into a panicked stillness. The worst had happened, Snape had seen. 

Suddenly coming back to the physical reality was a shock. Snape's face was locked in a flabbergasted expression. Harry took several steps back from the man, panicking. Snape was effectively blocking the exit, just as he was positioned between Harry and the door. 

'Potter.' 

Harry's breath was so loud. 

'Potter, breathe, it's fine.'

A hand fell on Harry's shoulder. Startled into awareness once more, the panic receded just enough that Snape's voice came through. He had a look that Harry had never seen on him. Almost soft? 

'Take deep and long breaths, focus on your surroundings.' 

Nothing seemed real enough to focus on, apart from Snape's uncharacteristic emotion, too bewildering to ignore. After a while, breaths came easier, the choking feeling disappeared and Harry could even feel the staccato of frenzied heartbeat calm down. The feeling of panic did not completely ebb. Could not.

Snape had seen. He had seen. And Harry had panicked, and Snape had helped, and he'd looked calm and caring, and Harry didn't know what to think anymore. Thoughts kept circling back to that one thing : Snape had seen. There was no hiding now. Especially after the panic attack. Impossible to just dismiss it as unimportant or a weird dream. 

No way to make light of it and flee. Snape looked like he wanted to _talk_ about it. Fuck. 

‘I'm going to go now,sir.’ Merlin, that voice cracking sounded more terrible everyday, always deeper.

‘I don't think that's wise, Potter.’ Snape was trying to be soft and reassuring but it wasn't close to being effective. Harry only wanted to flee. ‘We both have seen things the other would have preferred to keep private. I have a feeling if I let you go now, I'll never see you in those lessons again.’

Harry couldn't help but agree. After this, there was no way to ever come back and submit to more taunting and violation.

‘Consider this another way. Do you believe there's any other secret that would be more difficult to share than this one? Do you believe the risk of uncovering those secrets trumps the importance of keeping up your training?’

Right. This wasn't about Harry, but Dumbledore’s orders. Harry didn't really want to learn Occlumency, especially not when Snape was the instructor, but Dumbledore was always avoiding Harry these days and this was deemed the only way to make Harry safe. Snape was right that there was no secret more mortifying to share than this one. Adolescent fumbling with newly discovered urges didn't hold a candle to this massive revelation. And Harry didn't have much of a life outside of school and Voldemort anyway.

What was curious was that Snape wasn't more angry that Harry had seen his own memory. Harry had been sure a murder would be commited tonight, considering the anger the man had unleashed into Harry's mind. 

But Snape was relatively calm. He conjured a chair in front of Harry's and sat down heavily. 

The fight just bled out of Harry. The panic was overwritten with immense fatigue, a feeling of cold in the face and fingers and actual shivers up and down the spine. Harry fell more than sat into the rickety chair behind. It seemed there was no escaping this talk. 

'Potter. Should I still call you Mister Potter? What about pronouns?' 

Harry was immensely surprised. Here was the teacher that most detested Harry Potter, offering respect probably for the first time. 

A bolt of panic stroke, just enough adrenalin left to fear a return to mockery. 'She is better. And Miss is more accurate.' 

Alright so that was out. Nothing left but see how Snape would react. Harry was all in now. But Snape already saw her deepest secret. A choice of pronouns wouldn't be a more scandalous find. 

'I do believe, according to your reaction and the lack of other memories affiliated with this one, that I am the first person to ever know about this. Would that be right, Miss Potter?' 

Harry had never heard anyone refer to her as Miss. The feeling was indescribable. So much joy in one little word. It just felt so right, like the girl that lived in her head was seen for the first time. In her emotionally exhausted state, she nearly cried from it. Snape always elicited strong emotional reactions, but this was the first time it was positive. A sad little smile was the only reaction she could muster. 

'Why would that be? I know for a fact that the Weasley family has taken you under their wing, without mentioning the Mutt. You also have the favor of the Headmaster and your Head of House.' He paused for a bit. 'Your dear know-it-all friend and the youngest Weasley boy at least?' 

'I wouldn't-' Harry gulped. 'They don't need to know.'

'Why not?' Snape answered, considering. 'Your reaction to my acquisition of the knowledge implies that this is an important aspect of you.'

Acquisition of the knowledge, that was a way to put it. 

'They're kind enough already. They don't need to know that I'm…' She trailed off. 

'I believe the word is transgender.' A pause. 'You would believe their reactions to be negative.'

Harry snorted. 'Why wouldn't they be.' She knew her tone was resigned. She'd thought of telling someone, anyone, multiple times. But she knew how people like her were seen. She'd heard it all at the Dursley's. Thank Merlin they'd never doubted Harry was a boy. She already got so much pain from them, she just knew if they'd noticed anything… Dealing with Petunia's haircuts was better than anything they could invent to punish that. 

'Miss Potter.' Harry came back to herself. Apparently Snape had called her multiple times. This title sent a thrill in her veins every time she heard it. While it was still unfamiliar, she could see herself getting used to it very quickly. Snape didn't seem too mad at her sidetracked thinking, just impatient. 

'Your experience with the Muggle World is quite negative, as I've been able to understand. Can I assume that's where you got this idea?' 

'Where else? I've never heard anyone talk about it around here.' She replied. 

'That would be because the Wizarding World is extremely private, as you may have noticed. Subjects that are talked about in the open in the Muggle World are kept silent here.' That rang true to Harry. Save for some teenage boistering in the dorms, no one truly talked of sex… Much less that Dudley and Piers, anyway. Though these two were not the best examples of Muggles. 

'That includes talk about sex, sexuality and gender.' Snape continued. 'You should have had a talk with Professor McGonagall in your fourth year, Miss Potter, as any Muggle-raised student has. Though considering the events of your fourth year, I understand that such talks were not the priority at the time.' 

That was news to Harry. All Muggleborns had had a talk with McGonagall? She hadn't heard from Hermione. But then, there had been some times that year when she hadn't heard anything from her friends. She couldn't imagine the very proper McGonagall talking about sex. 

Her incredulity must have shown on her face because Snape scoffed. 'Yes it is a very difficult time for both the student and the Head of House involved.'

And obviously, Snape would have to have done as such for the Slytherin Muggleborns. An even weirder mental image. Harry must truly be exhausted, she began to giggle at the thought. 

Seeing the forced calm the man in front of her exhibited, she stopped laughing. Did he intend on… 

'Yes, Miss Potter. You will be delighted to learn that I'll be taking care of that right now, I'm sure.' He smirked at her discomfort. 

'I-uh… There's no need, sir, I'll just go to Professor McGonagall tomorrow.'

'Will you?' Snape asked, obviously dubitative. 'Or will you go on in secret? It is your choice, Miss Potter. If you are sure, I will leave it to your Head of House. But I don't believe you will ask for the information you need. You have been taught shame.' He paused. 'I already know, and I'm already talking about the subject. It would be easier.' 

Harry paused to think. Snape was right that she would probably not ask McGonagall about transgender people in the Wizarding World. Passing the instinctive rejection of the idea of talking about it with Snape - of all people- she actually thought that this would be the most painless way to go about it. 

She slowly nodded. Snape understood her assent and began talking. The classic 'bird and the bees' talk followed, as well as a speech on the importance of contraception. Harry could feel the blush on her cheeks, and definitely didn't look her professor in the eye. She did learn things she hadn't managed to grasp on the fly, especially about contraceptive potions. After he was done with that talk, Snape continued right on with the discussion of sexuality and gender. 

'I will not pretend that there is no prejudice at all in our world, but differing sexualities and genders are far more accepted by Wizarding society. The variability of experience in gender especially is something that is especially accepted by the Pureblood society as it has existed since the beginning of our textual history, and is thus deemed part of Wizarding tradition. Muggle-raised people sometimes bring in Muggle prejudice with them, but they are not the source of all of it. In terms of sexuality, all pairings that can yield heirs to further the family line are accepted. Using magic, there is a larger amount of couple configurations that can achieve this than in the Muggle World.' Snape teased the fire to burn hotter, as it was getting late in the night. 'The heterosexual couple is still the most accepted, however.' 

'Transgender people in our world do not have as much difficulty as in the Muggle World. There are potions and permanent charms to modify your body, and your official papers can be altered. All of this is optional and can be done on your own if you wish. Considering your skill in potions however, I would prefer that you ask a commercial potions master to brew any potions you intend on taking. I will give you a book about the different potions and charms available and the detail of their effects. As you are not an adult yet, the acquisition of some potions is still restricted. If you need to stop the changes that are coming on due to puberty, a puberty stasis potion is available right now.' He crossed his legs, as if nervous. 'You do not need to have any definitive answers right now. You have access to anything you need, at any time. I do believe you would benefit from contact with other transgender people in our world. To get rid of your shame, and for support. I can also provide names of volunteers. They are used to corresponding with anonymous students from Hogwarts for guidance.' 

All this information was overwhelming. Harry could be herself. There was hope. She could be _her_. The girl she saw in her mind when she thought about herself. Maybe she could get rid of that grating feeling of things not being right. 

'What about the Weasleys?' She had to ask. The doubt made her voice softer, she wasn't sure that Snape had heard. 

'I am not at liberty to tell you in detail, but believe this: there is no reason for them to react negatively, considering their history.' Snape's voice conveyed his absolute conviction. 

Harry let out a shuddering breath. Relief coursed through her veins. There wasn't any way of knowing for sure until she told them, but Snape had no reason to lie about this. He was acting extremely calm and professional, taking the matter seriously and respectfully. Harry was seriously surprised at how safe she now felt. The man's demeanor was comforting, even as she still felt her hands shaking in nervousness. The first person to ever know and he was treating her better than he ever had up to that point. 

'Why are you being nice?' Slipped through her lips. 

'You just had a panic attack, Potter. I am capable of restraint when the situation calls for it. This is a delicate matter and none of us would benefit from me being rash with it.' He visibly hesitated to continue. 'And you looked like your mother.'

'Not just with your hair, but with your smile, and your drive. I saw you and her at once. And I... I was reminded of my affection for her.' 

Harry startled. She had imagined herself with long red hair to be closer to her mom, as everyone always told her she looked like her father. Evidently, she knew if she let her hair grow out it would not change colors naturally. She would still have black hair. But her wish of being similar to her mother had been strong at that time. 

As she'd just discovered Snape's friendship with her mother in their youth, the words sounded weird coming from him. But he had been close to Lily. He had known her. Maybe he'd be willing to share information about her? As much as people loved to talk about her father, most people glossed over her mother. Apart from her physical appearance, Harry didn't know much about Lily Potter. 

'I've treated you harshly because you reminded me of your father.' Snape continued. 'But this vision reminded me that you are also your mother's daughter. That you're more than them together, but your own creation.' 

Harry could almost hear an apology in between his words. 

'Will you tell me about her?' She asked, hungry for connection. 

'It would not be wise.' Snape frowned. 'I'll already have to take measures to protect this night's events from the Dark Lord's reach. Direct positive contact is too risky.'

Harry slumped in disappointment. The silence stretched between them for a while. 

'I could be persuaded to lend you some of her letters from our youth. And the few photographs I still have of her.' Came in a whisper. 

Snape was clearly trying to be civil. His smile was strained. There was emotion there that Harry couldn't decipher. A sort of pain. Maybe her memory was as important to him as to Harry. Suddenly she remembered the man's memory and his anger. For some reason, she thought the humiliation from her father hadn't been the cause of Snape's anger this evening. She rather thought it was the loss of her mother's friendship. 

'Sir, I'm sorry for seeing your memory.' She thought she couldn't go wrong with apologising. And after he'd made her feel safe as herself, she felt like she owed him some similar emotional relief. 

He sighed. 'I cannot in good conscience punish you for achieving what I am trying to teach you. I also owe you an apology for seeking to hurt you in return.'

He stood up and dispelled his chair. 

'I will apply a mental block on the events of this evening in your mind. You will remember perfectly but no one will be able to see through the block.' 

After Harry nodded her consent, she felt Snape's mind collide with her own again. It was much smoother than with Legilimency, but the contact of another mind on her own was always grating. He somehow packed all her memories from the night and cut their link to the rest of her memories. As he'd said, she still had access to all of it, but there was a black box of seemingly nothing in the middle of her mind. 

'Why don't I learn this instead of Occlumency?' Harry asked, a bit miffed. If it was so easy, why bother with the technique she couldn't seem to grasp? 

'Miss Potter, always jumping without thinking. A mental block is not a good choice of defense, as it shows exactly where someone should focus their efforts to hurt you. In this case it is necessary until you learn the proper way to defend your mind, only a temporary measure. I do believe you'd rather not walk around with arrows pointing at your weakest points.'

He didn't seem very impressed with her suggestion. Good to know that Snape would still treat her as usual.

'Weak points…' She repeated. 

'For me as well as you. You are still feeling shame and fear, which would be used against you. And I showed that I _wouldn't_ use those things against you. Should the Dark Lord learn that I didn't torture you over this, I could very well lose my position and access to information.' He snuffed the fire and tidied up his desk. 'So you see, Miss Potter, we both need protection from tonight's events. Make sure you don't poke at the mental block. Enough fiddling and you'll knock it loose.'

Harry stood up too. It seemed tonight's lesson ended here, fortunately. She was exhausted from the upheaval of emotion. A good night's sleep was all she craved at this point. As she reached the door, Snape called back. 

'I will personally make sure that you never go back to those Muggles, Miss Potter, rest assured.'

A burst of warmth exploded in her chest. Maybe the future would be okay. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I love comments so feel free to tell me what you think!


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